Article 19: Resilience in Action: Series 1.3: UTMB: When everything hurts, know your why?

Introduction:

Purpose can carry us through extraordinarily hard moments. But UTMB also taught me something more complicated: our “why” can become pressure if we make the outcome mean too much.

Section 1:   Resilience in Action

There is a lot written about finding your purpose.

Know your why.

Find something bigger than yourself.

Use it to keep moving when motivation disappears.

I believe in that.

I have experienced it.

At UTMB, my why became one of the strongest forces keeping me in the race.

But I also learned something I hadn’t expected.

Purpose can pull us forward.

And if we aren’t careful, it can also start pushing down on us.

That is what this article is about.

Not just why purpose matters.

But how to use it without allowing one goal, one result or one finish line to become a judgement on who we are.

Section 2:  When motivation is no longer enough

There is a point in a long endurance race where motivation becomes almost irrelevant.

You can be excited at the start.

You can have a perfect playlist.

You can feel inspired.

But eventually the rain, pain, fatigue and hours strip all that away.

UTMB did that to me.

By the second night, I had been moving for an extraordinary length of time.

My shin was badly injured.

I had already been vomiting.

My nutrition plan had largely fallen apart.

I was sleep-deprived.

My cutoff cushion had almost disappeared.

And I was beginning to experience visual hallucinations from exhaustion.

At that point, “I feel motivated today” isn’t much use.

You need something deeper.

Section 3:  My why became very simple

When things became really difficult, my reasons for continuing narrowed.

I thought about my wife.

My children.

And the stroke survivors who had been following the journey.

I wanted my children to see that difficult things are worth working for.

That we don’t need to walk away the moment something becomes uncomfortable.

That progress usually asks something from us.

I also thought about people recovering from stroke.

I knew that running around Mont Blanc was not an ordinary stroke-recovery goal.

It wasn’t supposed to be.

But I hoped the journey might show something broader:

That our lives don’t necessarily stop expanding because something terrible has happened to us.

That we can continue asking questions of ourselves.

That we can keep building.

That we can keep moving forward.

Those thoughts mattered when my body was asking me to stop.

Section 4: My wife was racing too

One of the things I remember most strongly about that second night was the connection to home.

As my cutoff cushion became smaller, I was struggling to calculate what I needed to do.

So I messaged my wife.

She began working it out for me.

How far to the next cutoff.

How much time remained.

What pace I needed.

Then she stayed with me.

Right through the night.

Barely sleeping herself.

Sending me updates.

Encouraging me.

Helping me think when exhaustion was making thinking harder.

Thousands of kilometres away, she was effectively part of the race.

Sometimes resilience looks like individual determination.

But very often, it is relational.

Other people lend us strength when ours is running low.

Section 5: Purpose shrinks the world

One thing purpose did for me during UTMB was make the problem smaller.

If I thought about the entire race, it was overwhelming.

I had too far to go.

Too many climbs.

Too much pain.

Too little time.

So the question became simpler.

Why am I still doing this?

Because this matters.

Then:

What do I need to do next?

Reach the aid station.

Make the cutoff.

Climb this hill.

Get through this kilometre.

Purpose didn’t remove the pain.

It gave the pain context.

That distinction matters.

Section 6: There is science behind that idea

Psychologists distinguish between different kinds of motivation.

Self-determination theory, one of the major frameworks in motivational psychology, proposes that motivation tends to be stronger and more sustainable when our behaviour feels personally chosen and aligned with things we genuinely value, rather than being driven only by external reward or pressure.

Research into purpose points in a similar direction.

A 2024 individual-participant meta-analysis involving 108,391 people across 16 samples found that a stronger sense of purpose in life was associated with lower subjective stress. Importantly, the researchers were clear that the study was observational, so it does not prove that purpose itself causes lower stress.

A separate 2024 review found a positive relationship between meaning in life and resilience across multiple populations, while also noting that the mechanisms are complex and still being understood.

That research fits something I experienced very directly.

When I knew what I was moving towards and why it mattered to me, I could tolerate more discomfort.

But UTMB also showed me the other side

Section 7: When your why becomes a weight

Before the race, I had built a lot of meaning around UTMB.

It wasn’t just another ultramarathon.

It was the race I had dreamed about.

It was connected to my recovery.

My family had supported me through years of training.

Ray and Sharnie had travelled to support me.

My coach had invested enormous effort.

People from the stroke community were following.

I had publicly shared the journey.

All of that created purpose.

But it also created pressure.

Somewhere along the way, the story in my head became bigger than:

I want to finish UTMB.

It started moving towards:

I need to finish this because of what it represents.

Those are very different things.

Section 8: The final climb changed everything

I reached the final aid-station cutoff with about three minutes remaining.

After everything that had happened, I thought I’d survived.

I told Ray and Sharnie words to the effect of:

“We’ll see you at the finish line. I’ve got this.”

I genuinely believed it.

Then my back began to spasm on the final major climb.

I couldn’t maintain the pace I needed.

The cutoff passed.

And I was done.

My immediate reaction wasn’t:

What an incredible journey.

Look how far I came.

What a brilliant demonstration of resilience.

It was devastation.

I cried.

And one of the first things I thought was that I had let people down.

That feeling is important.

Because it showed me how tightly I had connected the outcome to my purpose.

Section 9: Purpose should guide us, not judge us

This may be one of the most important things UTMB taught me.

A powerful why should help answer:

Why is this worth doing?

It should not become:

If I don’t achieve this, what does that say about me?

Those are not the same question.

My family didn’t suddenly think less of me because I didn’t finish.

Quite the opposite.

My wife told me how proud she was.

My children were proud.

People sent messages saying that watching me struggle and continue fighting had affected them more than a perfect race might have.

Yet for a while, I couldn’t see it.

I had made the finish line carry too much meaning.

Section 10: This happens far beyond sport

I don’t think this is an ultrarunning problem.

It happens in careers.

Businesses.

Parenting.

Relationships.

Education.

Leadership.

Recovery.

Someone might think:

I need this promotion because I’ve worked towards it for years.

This business has to succeed because I’ve sacrificed so much for it.

My child has to achieve this because I’ve invested so much.

I have to recover to this level because everyone believes in me.

I have to make this relationship work because otherwise the years were wasted.

The thing matters.

And because it matters, we gradually allow the result to become part of our identity.

Then the pressure increases.

Purpose has quietly become obligation.

Section 11: Internal motivation matters

This is where the distinction between internally driven and externally controlled motivation becomes useful.

Self-determination theory suggests that motivation tends to be healthier when we experience autonomy, a sense that we are choosing the behaviour because it is personally meaningful, alongside feelings of competence and connection with others.

That resonates strongly with me.

The strongest parts of my UTMB why were deeply internal.

I wanted to find out what I was capable of.

I loved the challenge.

I wanted my children to see persistence.

I wanted to use the experience to help others.

Those reasons gave me energy.

The less helpful part appeared when the meaning shifted towards:

People are watching.

People have supported me.

I cannot let them down.

Now I have to deliver the result.

The underlying purpose hadn’t changed.

But the way I was carrying it had.

Section 12: Support should not become debt

This was another important lesson for me.

When people invest in us, support us and believe in us, it is easy to feel that we owe them a successful result.

I certainly felt some of that.

My wife had barely slept while helping me through the night.

Ray and Sharnie had moved around the course supporting me for two days.

My coach had helped me through an imperfect preparation.

My family had lived with the training.

Thousands of people were following.

When I timed out, my brain turned all that support into a debt I believed I hadn’t repaid.

But support doesn’t work that way.

People who genuinely support us are usually invested in us, not simply the result.

That took me a little time to understand after UTMB.

Section 13: Your why needs to survive failure

I think this is a useful test.

If your purpose disappears the moment the outcome goes wrong, perhaps the purpose was too tightly attached to the outcome.

My reasons for doing UTMB still existed after I DNF’d.

I still wanted to test myself.

I still wanted my children to see me pursue difficult things.

I still wanted to share lessons about resilience.

I still cared about helping stroke survivors.

I still wanted to grow.

None of those disappeared because I didn’t reach Chamonix on foot.

In fact, some became clearer.

That may be one definition of a strong why:

It is bigger than the result.

Section 14: Why it matters when nobody is watching

There is another test I like.

Would the challenge still matter if nobody knew you were doing it?

Not necessarily in exactly the same way.

Public accountability and social support can be extremely powerful.

But underneath that, there needs to be something that belongs to you.

Something you’d still value without applause.

For me, one of the strongest parts of endurance racing is the opportunity to discover what is inside me.

What happens when I am tired?

What happens when the plan breaks?

What happens when my mind begins looking for an exit?

How far can I go?

What can I learn?

Those questions exist whether anyone is watching or not.

That is important.

Section 15: Hard moments clarify what matters

There is a strange simplicity that arrives when things get really difficult.

A lot of the noise disappears.

At two in the morning, exhausted in the mountains, I wasn’t thinking about work meetings.

I wasn’t thinking about email.

I wasn’t thinking about social media.

The world became very small.

Family.

Purpose.

Next checkpoint.

Next step.

I think adversity often does that.

It clarifies.

It asks:

What actually matters here?

And sometimes the answer is very different from what occupies most of our normal days.

Section 16: Meaning and resilience seem to reinforce each other

The research around meaning and resilience is interesting because the relationship may run both ways.

A 2024 review concluded that meaning in life is positively associated with resilience, but also noted emerging evidence that resilience itself may strengthen meaning through the process of making sense of adversity.

I can relate to that.

My sense of purpose helped me during the race.

But the race also changed my understanding of purpose.

Before UTMB, purpose was partly something that drove me towards the finish.

Afterwards, I began seeing it more as something that should continue beyond the finish, or the failure to reach it.

That is a much more durable idea.

Section 17: Your why doesn’t have to be grand

I also think we overcomplicate purpose.

It doesn’t need to be some enormous mission.

You don’t need to identify your one great reason for existing.

Your why can be specific.

I want to be healthier so I can play with my children.

I want to become a better leader.

I want to finish this qualification because the work matters to me.

I want to reconnect with someone I love.

I want to prove to myself that I can change.

I want to build something worthwhile.

I want to regain some independence.

I want to see what I am capable of.

Those are enough.

Purpose does not need to impress anyone else.

It simply needs to matter to you.

Section 18: Ask a better question

Instead of asking:

What is my purpose in life?

Perhaps start with:

Why does this particular thing matter to me?

Then go one level deeper.

Why does that matter?

And again.

Eventually, you usually get beneath the superficial goal.

Maybe the promotion isn’t really about the job title.

It’s about growth.

Maybe the marathon isn’t about 42.2 kilometres.

It’s about proving to yourself that you can commit to something.

Maybe returning to work after illness isn’t only about employment.

It’s about identity, contribution or independence.

The surface goal matters.

But the deeper reason is often what carries us when the surface goal becomes difficult.

Section 19: Then remove the condition

There is one more step I would now add.

Ask:

If I don’t achieve the exact outcome I want, does the reason still matter?

If the answer is yes, you probably have something powerful.

If I don’t finish UTMB, does testing myself still matter?

Yes.

Does setting an example for my children still matter?

Yes.

Does helping others still matter?

Yes.

Does becoming stronger still matter?

Yes.

Then the purpose survives.

And that changes the relationship with failure.

Failure still hurts.

But it doesn’t destroy the meaning.

Section 20: Resilience is not just pushing harder

I think this matters for the wider idea of Resilience in Action.

Resilience is sometimes portrayed as:

Keep going.

Never quit.

Push harder.

I don’t think that’s enough.

Sometimes resilience is continuing.

Sometimes it is adapting.

Sometimes it is asking for help.

Sometimes it is accepting that the original outcome is gone and choosing what to do next.

Sometimes it is separating who you are from what just happened.

And sometimes it is taking the same purpose that drove you towards one goal and redirecting it somewhere new.

That is what I have had to do since UTMB.

Section 21: The why remains. The plan changes.

The immediate plan now is simple.

Heal.

Rebuild.

Learn.

Then begin again.

My current intention is to work towards qualifying again in 2027 and potentially return to UTMB in 2028.

The goal remains important.

I want to finish that race.

I don’t need to pretend otherwise.

But I want to carry the goal differently next time.

I want the purpose to give me strength without turning the finish into a verdict.

If I get back to that start line, I want to remember:

I am here because I chose this.

Because I want to test myself.

Because difficult things help me grow.

Because the journey gives me something.

Because it matters.

Not because I owe anyone a result.

Section 22: Resilience in Action

Purpose is powerful.

When things became extraordinarily difficult at UTMB, mine helped me continue.

My family gave me reasons to keep moving.

The stroke community gave the journey meaning beyond myself.

My wife helped carry me through a night when I was struggling to think clearly.

But UTMB taught me that even something positive can become distorted when we attach too much of our identity to an outcome.

So know your why.

Make it real.

Make it personal.

Let it pull you through the moments when motivation disappears.

But don’t make it a contract that says:

I am only successful if this ends exactly the way I planned.

Your purpose should be bigger than that.

The goal may change.

The plan may fail.

The finish line may disappear.

The reason you started can still remain.

Perhaps that is the strongest kind of purpose.

A why that helps us keep moving, without requiring life to go according to plan.

Recovery is possible. Keep moving forward.

Section 23: The science behind the idea

Purpose and meaning are associated with several measures of psychological wellbeing and adaptation, although much of the evidence is observational and should not be interpreted as proving causation. A 2024 individual-participant meta-analysis of 16 samples involving more than 108,000 people found that greater purpose in life was associated with lower perceived stress.

A 2024 review found a positive relationship between meaning in life and resilience and suggested that self-regulation and meaning-making may help explain the association, while noting that causal mechanisms remain incompletely understood.

Self-determination theory distinguishes between more autonomous forms of motivation, behaviour that feels personally chosen or aligned with internalised values, and more controlled forms driven largely by external pressure. Research across several fields generally supports the importance of autonomy, competence and relatedness in maintaining higher-quality motivation.

Section 24: Closing

Resilience in Action extends that journey to wider communities, exploring how the lessons learned through recovery, endurance, failure and rebuilding apply when any of us encounter difficult goals or unexpected adversity.

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References: (simplified, policy-aligned)

1.          Sutin AR, Luchetti M, Stephan Y, Sesker AA, Terracciano A. Purpose in life and stress: An individual-participant meta-analysis of 16 samples. Journal of Affective Disorders. 2024;345:378–385.

2.          Mutually beneficial relationship between meaning in life and resilience. Current Opinion in Behavioral Sciences. 2024;58:101409.

3.          Bandhu D, et al. Theories of motivation: A comprehensive analysis of human behavior drivers. Acta Psychologica. 2024;244:104177.

4.          Ryan RM, Deci EL. Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation from a self-determination theory perspective: Definitions, theory, practices, and future directions. Contemporary Educational Psychology. 2020.

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